Someone Is Keeping Me Down

And it’s someone that should really be behind me 100%.

Today I got up at 9am and drove to a friend’s house about 20 minutes away to go to the gym with her.  We then spent like 2 hours going to 2 different grocery stores to get the best bang for our buck on Fresh 20 ingredients.  I get to my boyfriend’s house (which I usually call home these days since I’ve pretty much lived here for 3 months) and am all pumped.  I go to throw something out and noticed that he polished off an entire pint of ice cream that he just bought yesterday.

Wow, thanks for the giant slap in the face, boyfriend.  I go out and work out and get groceries for US for a week and you sit at home on your fat ass and eat almost an entire pint of ice cream to yourself.

There has been a sever lack of intimacy in our relationship since a bit before the holidays.  I’ve been trying to get back in shape and get us on a healthier diet so that we can boost that back up.  He doesn’t even get why it upsets me so much and I guess I’m typing this out to try to formulate my thoughts so I don’t just start crying at him YOU DON’T FIND ME ATTRACTIVE AND WE’RE GETTING FATTER! Which I kind of did by calling him a fatass and telling him and absolutely no more ice cream in the house and almost went to the freezer to throw out the rest of the ice cream.

Food is a really tough issue for me, it always has been.  I grew up in a household where shitty snackfoods were commonplace and food always came in mass quantities because of the amount of people we would feed (my sister and her 3 kids, mormons, friends, etc) so I was pretty free to overindulge whenever.  I remember once accidentally just eating an entire bag of chips while watching TV one day and how mad my mom got….I suppose I now know exactly how she feels.

In high school I got big.  In college I got bigger.  Before I realized it, I was 250lbs and my size 20 jeans were getting very tight.  At 5’2″ I was huge.  After 2006 I made a lot of big dietary changes: NEVER keeping snackfoods, stopped drinking soda, stairs and parking far away and was about to get under 200 rather quickly.  I lost another 45lbs working full-time retail (running around nonstop) and getting better about snacking/eating shittily.  I think 150 was the lowest I ever was, but 155 seemed to be my good weight after personal training and better diet.

Well now it’s 2013 and my scale said 169 this week.  I’m too short to be this heavy.  My clothes don’t fit right.  I feel awful.  I don’t want to be like this and I can’t remember the last time I was this depressed about my weight.  It’s a vicious cycle of feeling like shit an not giving a fuck and then trying to crawl out of it but falling back into it.  I’m afraid that if I don’t handle this now, I’ll be 250 again and I can’t do that.  I deserve to be a size 10, I’m willing to earn that.

But I can’t do that if the person that I spend the majority of my time with isn’t with me and supporting me on this.  I feel like I’m less than a girlfriend at this point.  I’m sick of doing all of the traveling, grocery shopping, and cooking for nothing.  I feel like it isn’t appreciated.  I feel like he doesn’t understand how this is so important to me and this is something I really need him to care about.  I don’t feel like this often in life…but in at least this one thing: You are either with me or against me.

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